


Hollow Body Weather

by morphogenesis



Series: Loschmidt's Paradox [2]
Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: 11 Reasons, Background Junepei, Companion Piece, M/M, My motives are complex, Post-Canon, Recovery, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-07-25 13:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20026408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morphogenesis/pseuds/morphogenesis
Summary: Aoi's finally caught a break, saved the world, and is enjoying life with his family and Carlos, his partner of three years. Then Carlos SHIFTs involuntarily and is replaced by a version of himself who barely knows Aoi. Despite mutual ambivalence they agree to start from zero. Again. Life is simply unfair.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For prompts from the 11-reasons comm at LJ. This draft is 100% done, just editing as I go. It's an idfic for an iddy ship, as well as a "Thing That Never Happened" from my other Carloi fic, "Splinter from the headboard in my eye." This doesn't need to be read to understand "Splinter."
> 
> Aoi's thinking about "Tiger Tank" by Speedy Ortiz. Title from "Hollow Body Weather" by Field Division.
> 
> This story contains implied and explicit sex and is not meant for the consumption of minors. **TW:** Gun violence.

**1\. shoulders**

Aoi's in the kitchen but banned from cooking for the night, so instead he sits at the island counter and admires Carlos' shoulders moving under his shirt. Mikan, their cat, sits at Carlos’ feet hoping for salmon. She’s round and orange as a mandarin and Aoi’s the reason she’s spoiled. 

Carlos tuts and scoots her aside with his foot; she mews at him and goes to sulk by her food bowl. "She acts just like Junpei," he jokes, tossing a look over his shoulder as if to check that Junpei hasn't heard his name from miles away and is now coming to hover by the stove. He and Akane aren’t home, but they should be back soon. If Junpei interrupts Aoi's time alone with Carlos again, Aoi will punch him. He told him so. When Carlos visits, Junpei and Akane follow him like more cats, all but tugging on his clothes, and he enjoys it yet gracefully shoves them out the door when he (finally) wants to be alone with Aoi.

"Eh, she missed you."

"Just Mikan?"

Aoi leans forward on his elbows. It's so unfair Carlos wore that shirt today. It takes all the bite out of Aoi’s banter. "Just Mikan."

Carlos laughs, a sound that lasts a moment, and then in the next moment he clutches his head and groans. 

"You alright?" Aoi asks, but Carlos doesn't answer and instead sinks to a knee. His back is taut and when Aoi goes to his side and says his name he doesn't answer. After a long moment he's relaxing, breath coming out in a forceful exhale, and then shakes his head.

"Huh. It still hurts," he says like he's observing clouds coming over the horizon. He presses a hand to his forehead and studies the floor, not hearing Aoi (or Mikan). 

Before Aoi can ask what he means, the smoke alarm goes off and Aoi hurries to turn the stove off, move the smoking pan, and open a window. Mikan scurries away from the noise and Carlos gets up and goes through the motions of making sure nothing will burn. He's just jumped back into his normal mode, although Aoi wants to make him sit down. Carlos waves him off and stands by the sink, running water over his wrist and watching it flow, dazed. When he shuts it off he shakes his hand, turns to Aoi, and says, "Where am I?"

Carlos is so calm about the whole thing. In a minute he recognizes he’s in another history, asks where his room is, finds his phone, and calls Maria. He's chatting with her like nothing's happening and Aoi is still in the kitchen, listening and wondering if he should do anything. Carlos doesn't seem distressed by SHIFTing to a new history—it's a Tuesday for them in many worlds—but he's also never swapped with another Carlos as long as they've been together. Still, he's smiling on the phone with his sister and bends over to pet Mikan when she winds around his ankles.

"Love you too. Call me if you need anything." When he hangs up he looks at Aoi and his expression changes to polite uncertainty. "You’re…”

"Aoi. Akane’s brother.”

"Oh." He puts his hands in his pockets. "I noticed things that aren’t mine in the room, so I guess we share it? This is my home?"

"No, you just kinda...visit?" He gestures, looking for the words. "It's weird but it works. You don't wanna leave your job and I don't wanna move away from Junpei and Akane."

“Oh, so I think that makes you…” He trails off and lets Aoi’s awkward nod speak for itself. Carlos takes a step to the side and runs a hand through his hair. He's quiet and Aoi feels compelled to fill the silence. He follows Carlos into the next room and they sit on the couch at opposite ends and Aoi stares at his hands as he says, "I know I'm not a hot chick, but I'm not ugly either." It's not normal but— "It's okay. It's gonna be fine." A song lyric comes to mind: _Was it my teeth or my tongue that said, 'Glue shut your lips, let us take a rest?'_ It's from the only album they listened to on the trip to Mesa Verde National Park; Aoi knew every line by the end of the journey and sang along under his breath. Carlos had put his hand on his knee for half the drive and said he liked the sound. "You can SHIFT back, right?"

"No," Carlos says bluntly, his fists the only clue that something is wrong.

Aoi digs his nails into the palms of his hands. “Where did you come from?”

“Have you found the terrorist yet?”

“Yeah. They’re not a problem anymore.”

“Well I’m from before that.” He glances sidelong at Aoi. “In my history I just got shot in the head. Uh, wait, sorry that must be hard to hear—I don’t know how else to say it. I never saw myself dating anyone.”

Aoi snickers. After losing his most beloved person to a cruel death, nothing phases him. “You’re just as clueless as him.” He scoots closer and on reflex puts his hand on Carlos’ forearm; Carlos, ever considerate and avoids making people feel awkward, sits there but doesn’t reciprocate. 

When Junpei and Akane return home they take charge and save Aoi from the responsibility of figuring out what to do next. Akane sits with Carlos on the balcony and while they talk, Junpei forces Aoi to take a shot of whiskey and they stand silent in the kitchen. Aoi settles for holding Mikan and turning away when Junpei tries to scratch under her chin; she hates that and he never listens, then wonders why she bites him. They're almost tussling over who gets to pet the cat when Akane opens the door and says to Carlos over her shoulder, "Get some sleep, I'll make them behave."

Carlos gives a perfunctory good night before pausing in the doorway. 

"You can take my bed," Aoi offers. "I'll be fine on the couch."

"Thanks."

They wait until they hear the door shut to start talking. "He'll be fine," Akane says. She stands by Aoi and rubs shoulders with him. "He likes you, niichan."

Aoi grunts when Mikan headbutts him under the chin. "I'm not worried." He must sound more bothered than he thinks because Junpei checks his phone and mumbles an excuse to call someone at work. He leaves, giving Aoi tacit permission to speak freely so Aoi groans, "Fuck."

"I know it's awkward but he'll remember you and get used to his life here. He'll still want you."

"I guess." He doesn’t want to wait; not when he just had the Carlos that knows and likes him, who cleans up Aoi’s vomit when he’s sick, and likes to bury his nose in Aoi's hair right after he conditions it. "How do you know he will?" Carlos just died and came back in a world completely different from his own. He’s polite but distant with Aoi and earlier paused when Aoi again took his elbow without thinking.

Akane strokes her chin and says, "Because he's still Carlos. He liked you once, he can like you again." Aoi admires her grace with every weird thing in their life, how she blends quantum mechanics with newlywed life and observes that the gingerbread men she's baking reminds her of the gelatin man she once made before she found Junpei's head in a freezer. Akane is in love with life, every iteration of her life, and she believes everyone else is too. He truly loves this about her, loves every her, but she isn't interchangeable with other Akanes. He wants his Akane for keeps. Although she wasn’t born his Akane, she became his Akane after she SHIFTed for the final decision at Dcom so… This stuff makes his head hurt and he’s glad he doesn’t have anything to do with it except by proxy.

She’s right; Akane is right ninety-nine percent of the time (unless it’s about cooking), he thinks. It doesn’t make him want to be in bed with Carlos any less. It doesn’t answer the hundred questions he has about what happens now. Three years ago this wouldn’t have bothered him; it doesn’t bother anyone else here.

Aoi can’t help that he’s not the person he was three years ago. Mikan meows as if she agrees.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW:** Child death/stabbing/drug mentions, skip the entire first paragraph if you don't wanna read.
> 
> There's no Aoi fic I've written in existence that doesn't mention food several times. Also Carlos loves musicals in my headcanon because cute.

**2\. hair**

Carlos has been debriefed a couple of times in his career: after his parents died, after an MVA where small children were ejected from the vehicle, after a guy in a drug-induced psychosis stabbed him in the arm. Every time he’s eager to get it over with so he can go back to his job and helping people. He processes on his own time; he can take care of himself. 

That's how he carries himself now, upon seeing how unsettled Aoi looks when he's in the room and Akane follows her brother with her cutesy mannerisms and distractions. Carlos tries to keep his own behavior friendly and inoffensive:

“How did we meet anyway?” Carlos pets Mikan in his lap and she purrs until she’s vibrating. Mikan seems to be in love with him, to the point where when she won’t leave one of the others alone they scoop her up and say ‘Mikan’s boyfriend is over here’ before handing her to him. She’s the most comfortable part of this journey so far.

Without speaking Aoi jabs a thumb in Akane’s direction; he’s focused on his phone and leans back so he’s draped over the arm of the chair in a manner that should kill his back. 

Akane stands and leans over Aoi. “He knows that,” she scolds him and ruffles his hair. She continues in Japanese before he grabs her hands and pushes upward; she grapples with him until she breaks his hold and she chuckles victoriously.

“I don’t remember,” Aoi admits, looking at Carlos with a neutral expression. Carlos is a bit disappointed; his memory’s a holey quilt at this point, despite his prior SHIFTing experience (although maybe he’s out of practice), and he was hoping for something to jog it. (He isn’t hoping for a _story_ per se—though he’s a fan of musicals, life isn’t one—just a detail or two.)

“Aww,” Akane says and Aoi stares at her.

“Out.” 

“No,” she says and goes back to her desk in the corner covered in books and folders stacked perpendicular to each other in a sorting system only she knows.

“Little sisters, right?” Carlos calls after her, and Akane pulls her bottom eyelid down and sticks her tongue out at him. 

Speaking of sisters, he has to speak with his again. Today he woke up with a headache from teeth grinding (started when his parents died, although he doesn’t feel his broken molars, indicating he—or more likely a certain someone—paid for some much needed work in his mouth), restless, and distracted and Maria is the best medicine besides Tylenol-Codeine #3.

“Are you okay?” she asks. He explained the situation to her last night and she took everything in stride. (He’s always so proud of her for that—she had every reason to complain in the hospital and she never did and still doesn’t.)

“Sure.”

“Liar, liar.” Her voice is gentle. “What’s wrong? Do you wanna come home?”

He knows these people care about him and he cares about them. He likes the cat and the company and the cooking here and still— “Yeah,” he confesses. He needs to see her because she’s familiar and he has foreign crowns in his mouth and new scars and a boyfriend who earlier tried to kiss him good morning before remembering.

“Wow! Carlos admitted he needs something!” she jokes, not unkindly. “But seriously, you sound exhausted.”

“You’ve always got my number—I hate you for it.” He chuckles. “Love you, too.”

“I know.” He hears her drop her phone and swear before she returns and says, “Come home if you need to. I’ll change your sheets and we can have a sleepover, okay?”

Carlos is going home and life will be simpler.

*

"I'll go with you," Aoi offers (Carlos suspects prodding from Akane as she looks pleased in the background).

“It’ll refresh your memory!” Akane says behind him, and beside her Junpei covers his mouth and shakes his head, snorting. Carlos is glad to see he’s in better spirits. 

“You sure?” Carlos says.

“There’s nobody I wanna hang out with here,” Aoi says with a pointed turn-and-stare at his siblings and they beam at him.

*

Aoi stands behind Carlos in the airport security line, checking his own boarding pass with one hand and holding his shoes with the other, looking displeased to be barefoot in a public place. Carlos, who's only flown once before in memory, is still charmed by the arbitrary security procedure even as he slams his sports drink before he can be forced to throw it away. He couldn't sleep at all on the way here and he's hoping the sugar keeps him going.

After they escape security Aoi spots a Starbucks stand and darts over to it with childlike excitement. He's left Carlos with their bags and so Carlos stands there awkwardly, playing with the ribbon Aoi's tied around his carry-on handle. It's purple and has a flower charm dangling from the end. He doesn't know him well enough to say if this is his style or a present from Akane.

Aoi returns bearing a smoothie and an iced macchiato, extra caramel. He holds the smoothie out to Carlos who accepts it even though he's not in the mood. Aoi sips his own drink, makes a noise of contentment, and holds it out to Carlos. Carlos defers and Aoi looks surprised for a moment before trying to look casual with a one-shoulder shrug.

"Oh, you're Carlos now too," Carlos jokes when he notices his name is on both of their cups.

"I always give your name," Aoi explains. "Nobody says mine right."

"Should I be taking notes about this history?" He realizes that wasn't funny when Aoi shakes his head and his mouth narrows for a moment. "Do I say your name right?"

"No," Aoi says without hesitation. "But I don't expect you to."

"Really? 'Aoi,'" he says, and Aoi raises an eyebrow. Aoi shakes his head and says they should go.

Carlos gets the idea to go through his pictures on his phone when they're stuck on the plane due to unforeseen weather conditions. He's reread the texts to get a general idea of what he does, what's new with the people in his life, and what his relationships are like. His work partner, still saved on his phone as 'Firehouse Spouse,' is struggling with his new disability and misses work. His daughter miss Carlos. (Dismayed, Carlos vows he’ll spend more time with them once he’s home.) 

Maria is suffering grad school and texts him every other day in a panic about her asshole advisor and small emergencies from living on her own for the first time. He and Junpei text each other pictures of ugly dogs they see while they're out and about; he and Akane text each other logic puzzles (and from Akane, unflattering candids of her brother).

He's never been in a serious relationship and reading his conversation with Aoi is like reading a foreign language: _Do you want to go to June Lake next time?_ and _I just had a long day and don't wanna talk right now_ and _Miss you. Goodnight._

Carlos opens his pictures and scrolls through a different apartment, his sister with short hair, endless photos of Mikan and him cuddling, and find he and Aoi don't have any photos together. Carlos is disappointed until he finds an old photo far down in the album. 

It's Aoi, reclined in his seat with a fluffy white cat on his chest. It's nuzzling under his chin and his eyes are closed in pleasure, unaware he's being photographed. He's uncomfortably skinny and his hair is dyed silver.

When Aoi's notices Carlos’ phone his lips part in surprise before he smiles. "Shiro!" His hand curls like he's petting an invisible cat. "Man, I miss her." He takes Carlos' phone and opens the menu to send it to himself. "She didn't like anyone but me so she'd never take a picture with you."

"At least Mikan loves me."

"That she does," Aoi says, then hands back Carlos' phone and puts in his own headphones.

When the plane takes off, Aoi puts his left hand over Carlos' and squeezes. He bows his head, eyes closed, and holds on for a moment before he realizes and pulls away—until Carlos reaches over and takes his hand back. He holds it until they've been in the air for over a minute without incident.

"You don't have to do that," Aoi says casually.

"It's fine." He doesn't like watching anyone suffer, even if it's temporary anxiety, if he can do something about it.

Aoi shifts in his seat and Carlos wonders if he meant 'Please don't do that.' He tests the waters when they can take their phones out again: “Why don’t you give me some pictures?”

“Huh?”

Carlos holds his phone up. “On my phone.” Aoi grabs it, swipes the screen, and tilts his head in a perfect, practiced selfie pose and snaps a few photos, changing poses in between. They’re nice photos, but… “No, I meant of both of us.”

“Uhh…” He looks confused before handing Carlos’ phone back. “Fine.” He peers around but everyone in Business Class is, true to the name, occupied with their technology or asleep. Aoi must judge this an acceptable place for PDA as he leans over so his back is pressed to Carlos’ arm and holds his first two fingers up in a ‘V.’ “Well?” 

“Smile.” When Aoi smiles with his lips closed it’s crooked and kinda cute. He sits still for three photos except to minutely shift his posture so he brushes against Carlos’ chest. Carlos’ hand found its way to Aoi’s shoulder during the photoshoot and he squeezes Aoi briefly. “There. Now we have a memory of the first time we met. Again.” 

Aoi looks like a surprised cat at those words.

*

At Arrivals, Maria gives Carlos the biggest hug then squeezes Aoi, who stands there and accepts before patting her on the back. She's dyed her hair pink and is dressed in “punk by way of the local shopping mall” style. He almost doesn’t recognize her; in his history, she’s still a bit shy and conservative in her appearance. Either way Carlos missed her face, even though by his perception of time it had been two weeks at most since he saw her. Carlos gives her another hug that lifts her off the ground, and she grumbles and slaps his shoulder.

The air outside is smoggy but the horizon is glowing warm and Carlos swallows and studies it trying to determine if it’s a far-off fire. It’s fruitless to think he can control nature but he hates wildfire season almost as much as arsonists. Last year he worked way too many days in a row and slept in snatches on people’s blackened patios. Last year he watched too many people lose their homes. “I guess seeing you guys was a last hurrah before this?” he asks, and Aoi nods. 

Aoi forces his spare travel masks on both of them for the walk to Maria’s car. "This is why I make you visit me," he remarks. "This state is always on fire."

Carlos glides over the remark and asks Maria how the winds are and if she thinks they'll need to evacuate. "Maybe," she admits.

“It’ll be fine,” Aoi says in a tone that would be brusque if Carlos wasn’t a big brother himself and familiar with pretending something wasn’t a big deal in order to soothe your little sister. “You guys hungry?"

Maria points the car to a place where she can cover waffles in strawberries, bananas, and an obscene amount of syrup. She pokes Carlos in the ribs. “I know what you’re gonna get,” she teases. He puts up his usual show of pretending he’s so much healthier than her, but Mom’s Midwestern blood wins out and he ends up with bacon, eggs, and a side plate full of carbs. Aoi cuts a strawberry doughnut in half and gives part to Maria; he seems to subsist off a diet of 80% coffee and 20% simple sugars for bursts of energy. When Carlos pushes his half-eaten plate towards Aoi, Aoi pushes it back. Carlos senses this is an old argument between them.

Aoi lets them talk and reads the news on his phone, tracking coverage of the budding fires in the state. Maria was optimistic with her 'Maybe.' Aoi hasn't booked a return flight yet but it looks like he may not be able to soon. Would he mind staying?

Carlos thinks he'd like to go home with them, nap under his aunt's quilt that smells like rose perfume, and then eat sour-flavored Skittles with Maria while watching reality TV. Aoi’s not acting like he’s eager to go back to his home, so there’s that. They already made the close-quarters flight and he's used to SHIFTing. This will only be as awkward as Carlos makes it.

*

Carlos has his first memory of Aoi that night when they’re making dinner. It's of Aoi in this same kitchen, in his pajamas and eating sardines in tomato sauce directly from the tin. In this memory, Aoi looks at him like Mikan caught eating out of the trash. "Have some rice at least," Carlos says and scoops him out a small bowl from the cooker.

"They taste fine by themselves," Aoi says, mouth partly full, but takes the rice. 

There's something in the way he looked at Carlos then, amusement hiding in the curve of his mouth and the corners of his eyes, that's reflected in the Aoi of right now, who's talking to Maria as he stir fries Spam and egg. Carlos knows that face. It's comforting. When the image disappears he still feels warm.

Aoi has puttered in the kitchen all day, prepping ingredients for lunches and steaming rice, frying pork, and chopping fresh vegetables. There's a restlessness to the way he shifts on his feet and flicks his wrist between stirs and cuts. "You hungry?" he asks Carlos when he catches him watching from the doorway.

'I've heard that a thousand times before,' Carlos thinks. He doesn't remember but he can picture it; Aoi nagging him to eat something after work, more than the yogurt cup or granola bar he chokes down. “Yeah, thanks.”

As he takes a seat Aoi plates up salad and rice and Spam, pours soup into a bowl and serves it all in a visually pleasing arrangement. "Sit," he orders Maria and she groans. A decade of hospital food and IV nutrients has killed her appetite permanently. Still she sits beside Carlos and sips her soup. Aoi takes a seat across from them and picks up his bowl of rice, tucking in with bites of egg. 

Carlos watches him a moment longer before eating. "It's good."

"Duh," Aoi says with a note of pride. 

*

"I guess I'll go home soon," Aoi says when Carlos joins him to wash dishes. 

"Why?"

"Let you get used to life here."

"I am used to life here. Everything is where I left it," he says lightly. "I don't remember so many hair products though."

"I don't wake up like this," Aoi says in mock offense. "Do you think I should dye my hair again?" Absently, he touches his hair with a wet hand and a lock sticks to his cheek. It takes a microsecond of consideration for Carlos to reach over and push it behind his ear. Aoi starts.

"You look fine. It makes you look your age." 

"Watch it, ossan, I ain't old."

"Maybe I like old." He cringes internally. How could he think that sounded smooth?

The corner of Aoi's mouth turns up and he scrapes rice out of a bowl into the trash. "I've got an old friend who might be looking. He's like a grandpa compared to me, though."

"Sorry, I'm taken." After he says it, it leaves an aftertaste; is he saying this as part of the banter or because he means it? Aoi seems happy. "I have to go back to work, but you can stay." He likes Aoi's company. Maybe he can give this a shot.

For the next few days he lives in two worlds. He works his normal area and normal shift but he can feel the change coming. He digs firebreaks while exhausted, sore, and barely able to see through smoke drifting on the wind. He attends to families living out of motels or their cars who've abandoned homes and are sick and depressed. Then he goes back to his own apartment, where Maria rubs his shoulders until they unknot and Aoi keeps him fed. They don't talk much but on Aoi's end it's companionable silence, answering questions if asked and filling in missing details.

Memories trickle in, filling in more gaps: waking up from broken after-work sleep to find Aoi lying beside him, occupied with his phone but just keeping him quiet company. Staying up with Aoi when he was ill. Arguing about why neither would move closer. 

Aoi still acts like he's one-half of a relationship; he's used to Carlos reorganizing the cabinet halfway through a task or falling asleep to cooking shows. Aoi makes Mom's old casseroles despite thinking they’re disgusting (he doesn’t say this but it’s obvious when he picks at the edges and claims he doesn’t feel well).

When Carlos gets home from work one morning, Aoi's skeptically considering a bag of frozen tater tots. "Yo, can't I just use real potatoes for this?" he asks. Then he looks up and something in Carlos' face bothers him. "Sit down."

"Huh?" Carlos says right before blurry spots appear in his vision and his hands waver in the air. He's so used to exhaustion beyond the pale that he's not noticed he's hit a limit. When he sits down the chair wobbles. Aoi appears before him with a wet hand towel and Carlos takes it. He scrubs his face, watching a layer of grime come off onto it. He knew he took a shower at work, but it wasn’t enough. "Wildfire season sucks."

"I know. Hey—" Aoi's fingertips settle on his scalp. "Can I...?"

"Uh, sure."

Aoi massages his scalp in practiced, strong circles, and it's so soothing Carlos could fall asleep sitting up. He sighs and his head falls forward to expose more area, eyes closing and softly breathing through his open mouth before shaking his head. "Shh," Aoi says, and palms his hair, pushing it back off his face. "Just a habit when you're this tired," he adds quietly. He looks at Carlos’ mouth and keeps his hands to himself. "Take a shower and go to bed. I'll make your casserole." 

Carlos puts a hand on the back of Aoi's head, pulls him forward, and kisses his forehead. "Night," he says and is back in the bathroom before he realizes what he did. Well, that's awkward. But it just felt right, like his body knows even if his mind doesn't that one iteration of him likes this guy different from the rest.

(There is, of course, a musical number this brings to mind but Carlos won’t embarrass himself further by thinking about it. He’s already wondering how to play off kissing Aoi.)

Maria spends the night with a friend and they end up alone, eating the finest combination of ground beef, cream of mushroom soup, canned green beans, tater tots, and shredded cheese. (Judging by Aoi’s reactions, Carlos wonders if this food is why he remembers Aoi being sick.) They stand in the kitchen and watch a dumb TV movie from afar. Aoi seems shifty and looks sidelong at him a lot, but tries to put distance between them. 

When it's time for bed Aoi makes a spot on the couch he’s slept on for the past few days. He doesn’t seem put out by not bedsharing, but it doesn’t feel right to exile him from the bedroom. Not even rude—just wrong. 

“Hey,” Carlos says. “Why don’t we share my bed? The AC is in my room and it’ll be more comfortable than the couch.”

“With you?”

“I mean, yeah.”

Aoi lifts one shoulder and heads into the bedroom. “Thought you’d never ask.” He peels his shirt off and hangs it on a plastic hook he must’ve set up on the wall ages ago (their organizational habits complement each other and Carlos appreciates it). He glances at Carlos before muttering he ‘can’t sleep with these’ and unzips his pants. He wriggles under the covers in just his underwear and proceeds to wrap himself in one blanket like a burrito, which Carlos thinks defeats the purpose of ‘underwear only.’ 

“Goodnight.” He can feel Aoi’s leg through the blanket burrito when he adjusts himself. The bed seemed bigger when he was eyeballing it.

“Stay away from me, you sleep too hot,” Aoi complains and tries to push Carlos away with his foot, and that’s the last exchange they have until morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter is all about (off-screen) torture and recovery from it.** Please, please skip it if that will upset you. See endnotes for a quick summary. Also mild sexual content in the last scene.
> 
> Thanks D for phrasing/characterization help.

**3\. nonchalance**

In between bites of green curry, Aoi rants about the end of the world. He’s sitting on the counter and tipsy. “Is there always gonna be a fanatic or a cult or a shady esper?” He looks at Akane, nods when she asks if he likes the food, and then says, “When do you get a break?”

“When the work is done, niichan,” she says as she always does. It’s not an argument between them, more like a call-and-response. Instead of real food she bites into a whole lime wedge and Aoi thinks she isn’t his blood. “I wish I could give you a break.” She reaches for his hand and accidentally rubs citrus juice on it.

“I’m not worried about me.” He holds up his spoon and she leans forward to steal a mouthful of rice mixed with curry. He always orders the green curry (he prefers red) because it’s her favorite and she always does this—pretends she isn’t hungry when he’s placing the order and then begs for whatever he got. The face she makes after she pops a slice of cucumber in her mouth is adorable. “I guess it gives us plenty of time to plan the wedding.”

Akane, mouth full, nods animatedly. She covers her mouth and mumbles something, but before she can clarify the door creaks open.

Junpei enters and that tall guy they’re so enamored with follows. Carlos. Aoi met him once before, after Dcom, but he’d been more focused on Akane at the time. Now that he has a minute he watches Carlos hug Akane in greeting (she covertly rubs his bicep on release).

They insisted he’s the best person ever to lead the Emergency Rescue team for the final mission. They brought him in because that day is close; they’ve found the fanatic’s base and spent over a year acquiring supplies, hiring manpower, and making a thousand contingency plans. 

When they talk, Carlos knows his stuff. He asks relevant questions about his purpose with Crash Keys and their preparedness for various worst-case scenarios.He’s unimpressed that Aoi doesn’t know the results of their carbon monoxide and smoke detector tests personally. He’s got a certain direct brusqueness in their interactions that he doesn’t show Akane and Junpei. Aoi would be offended but he takes it to mean Carlos sees him as a different kind of peer. He can picture Carlos talking like this with his crew and it makes Aoi respect him.

Even when it makes Aoi want to murder him. They’re sitting at the kitchen table by themselves, deep in an argument about whether the spies they sent into the base brought back enough information for Rescue to work with. 

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea, I said it wasn’t thought through. First responders need as much information as possible before they arrive at the scene.” Carlos is fiddling with his phone and when he shows it to Aoi, he sees Carlos has pulled up footage of a magnesium explosion. When water hits the innocuous flames the entire screen blazes white and only barely fades by the end of the clip. From his random curious reading Aoi vaguely remembers water on magnesium fires is a dangerous idea. “This is why I’m ‘nitpicking.’ When firefighters don’t know what caused a fire, they can do things that sound stupid on paper. If I don’t know what materials we’re dealing with the layouts don’t mean shit because I don’t know how to react appropriately if a fire breaks out. 

“That applies to every question I’m asking you. I’m not leading people to their deaths if I can help it, so give me what I’m asking for.” 

He sounds forceful, not mad, and Aoi can in fact work with that so he says, “Your crew is right. You really should go for that Lieutenant promotion.”

“Uh, what?”

“I run a second, liiiittle background check on anyone I’m hiring at this level. You had to do one to become a firefighter, you get it. Everyone they spoke to said the same thing: couldn’t ask for a better guy on your team.”

He seems taken aback but not creeped out. “...Thanks. I’ve heard it before.”

“Why don’t you do it?”

“Because I don’t want it.” Carlos spins the pad back to face Aoi and pushes it towards him. “So, back to what I was saying.”

Carlos won’t back down on any of his demands, including the ridiculous one that he wants to minimize enemy casualties. 

When Aoi says, “I do care about bystanders—” Carlos replies “Then act like it.”

“They’re fanatics!”

“They’re people! I told Junpei and Akane the exact same thing: I won’t kill anyone for you and I won’t knowingly let anyone die.”

Carlos pushes and pushes until he gets everything he wants: a second spy sent in to inventory any and all compounds, foreign substances, fire and electrical hazards, chokepoints, and points of entry or exit besides doors and windows. He also gets additional manpower, a more flexible training schedule for his team, and a promise for upgraded equipment before the time comes.

After that agreement, Aoi looks down at the notepad and realizes he’s almost doubled the Emergency team’s budget in the course of two hours. Across the table Carlos puts a spoonful of Aoi’s homemade curry rice, makes a content noise, and says, “This is good.”

“Duh,” Aoi says although he feels like the idiot.

*

Two months later Aoi’s car gets run off the road on a deserted freeway. His passenger dies on impact. Aoi gets pulled from the vehicle and, with a pang of terror he hasn’t felt in a long time, recognizes the fanatic’s symbol on the abductors’ clothes.

Aoi sleeps when they let him and doesn’t eat much. He has a sore head and body. Later he won’t remember how his body became a crime scene.

When Crash Keys find him, he learns he was gone for about six weeks. He spent most of those weeks in a room so bland he tells Akane everything about it through the fieldset and they still have no clue where he is until Junpei has a hit via tapping every single unsavory contact he knows. By the time Junpei rescues him Aoi doesn’t realize he’s real because he hallucinated Junpei’s voice so many times.

He’s walked out with Junpei holding him up. He’s put into a van and a blond guy puts a trauma blanket around him. He stares into space while That Guy gently tucks his legs into the van, eases him back against the headrest, and buckles him in. Junpei sits beside Aoi and keeps his arms around his shoulders the whole time.

Aoi’s so very tired but he can’t sleep at the safehouse. Akane cries on him and he doesn’t want to make her cry but just putting his arms around her is exhausting. It’s as if he’s full of holes and new ones form faster than he can patch the old ones.

He’s on the floor—doesn’t know how he got there—when That Guy takes his wrist and holds his arm above his head. “You need a hospital.” When Aoi shakes his head, Guy says “It’s alright.”

Aoi stares at the overhead light while the doctor tells him needs a blood transfusion. He lost thirty-percent of his blood volume and the nurses have to try to insert an IV twice, one on each hand. He doesn’t realize he was so pale until, as the unit of blood drains into his body, he realizes he can no longer see his veins under the skin clear down to his elbow. The blood-filled tubing snaking down his arm looks like a Twizzler; he asks Junpei to take a photo of it because that’s cool, Junpei does, and Akane frowns at both of them.

At one point he pats his bedside and she darts into his bed without a thought, curling up on the edge. He nuzzles her head like he did when they were kids and she says, “Niichan is so strong.” He doesn’t feel like it.

“Don’t feel good,” he says instead.

Junpei partially closes the curtain before looking back at them and announcing to nobody he’s hungry and will be back before long. He closes the curtain all the way and dims the lights so they can be alone. In the dark Aoi tells her the things he won’t say out loud ever again; how the fanatic knows about the plan of attack now and it’s his— 

She kisses his forehead and tells him not to worry. Any backup plan they have will be fine.

Aoi doesn’t get wheeled out of the ER, which strikes him as odd because everyone does on TV. He hauls himself, unsteady, into the car and the driver, Guy, hands him a green Jello cup and tells him to eat because he knows Aoi must be starving and tired. It’s too sweet.

When they arrive home, Aoi can’t get out of the car without vertigo and he leans out and draws back three times before huffing. Guy says, “Hold on, I'm gonna pick you up,” and lifts and carries him inside.

Aoi falls asleep once he knows he’s in a safe place.

*

Guy takes a vacation and uses every bit of favor he has with his chain of command to spend two weeks with Crash Keys making sure everybody eats and putting people to bed when they work too much. He’s the first to figure out to knock on a door frame before he enters a room. 

Aoi paces with wireless earbuds in a lot and the music blasting. He sleeps with a light on and Akane and Shiro in his bed, and can’t do it for less than twelve hours. If he’s awake and not pacing, he’s working. Food and drink lose all appeal and Guy notices.

“I’m a shit cook,” Guy says, “but eat something.” It’s lentil soup; there’s a lot of oregano and it tastes like something a mother would make. Guy puts a lot of water before him, too. He invites Aoi to relax and watch a movie or play a game.

One time Aoi sits down to play Spades with Guy and crushes him. Guy asks Aoi how he got so good and Aoi finally feels a spark of warmth about himself again. He feels how tired he is shortly after the second game and falls asleep before he can deal for the third. He wakes up with Shiro trying to sit on his face. “Akane?”

“She’s here, just sleeping,” Guy whispers beside him. He’s sitting awake and comfortable like he’s been there for a while.

“Carlos.”

“Mm?”

“_That’s_ your name.” Aoi falls back asleep now that he knows that.

*

Part of his recovery is rejoining the living; white-knuckling it while sitting in a car and returning to an eight hour sleep schedule with just Shiro and the nightlight. He has the worst headaches but pushes through it to work on those backup plans.

The other part is having someone to talk to about nothing. Carlos calls for either Akane or Junpei, but they inevitably hand the phone off to Aoi and he and Carlos talk about Shiro and cards and he lets Carlos talk. A lot. About wildfires. It’s nice to have someone who doesn’t know what he was like before, because he doesn’t think that person is coming back.

He dyes his hair back to its natural color and lets it grow out. Carlos visits again and says that he likes it.

*

“Can I do anything?” Junpei looks at the fridge. 

Aoi doesn’t respond, doesn’t even look away from restocking the pantry.

Akane hugs him and says, “Niichan, I—”

“Shh,” and he kisses her forehead.

“Let me know if you wanna watch something else,” Carlos says and scoots away from him on the couch, turns down the volume so it won’t drown out Aoi’s earbuds, and watches TV with minimal interaction.

*

“Here’s the truth: When something bad happens to you, nobody can make it all better. My sister is alive. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss my parents.”

“I know that.” Sometimes Aoi still has the intrusive thought that even his Akane can’t take away the pain of losing that little girl and the guilt smothers him. A parent can’t lose their child and wash that grief away with another.

“It doesn’t mean you don’t love them.”

Aoi turns away so his feet point towards the door, though he doesn’t leave.

*

A leak in the roof bursts through the ceiling one night during dinner and ruins the couch where Carlos camps. 

Akane says, “We’ll just switch. I’ll share with niichan and Junpei and Carlos will share.” Aoi weirdly wishes she hadn’t said it. 

Their hot water heater has been malfunctioning for a while and even the bath cover can’t keep the water warm long enough for four people, so they have to take the same pairs for baths (well, Junpei alone as his bathtime is sacrosanct). While Aoi’s rinsing off, he sees Akane turn in the bath to face him and he can feel her eyes. It’s like she’s looking for what’s wrong with him instead of seeing he’s still here.

He has all his limbs and digits; he’s free of a lot of scars except for a burn scar on his ribs from hot rebar. He looked worse after the First Nonary Game. He’s starting to feel okay in his body again so why does everyone else feel bad for him?

“Do you want a picture?” he says harsher than he means it.

“Sorry.” Akane sinks underwater and he hears her blowing bubbles.

The next day he asks Carlos to help him with “something kind of embarrassing” in the bath. “You’re an EMT, right? You get it.”

“Erm, sure.”

Aoi has never been so glad that he’s a good liar than when he sees Carlos shirtless. He doesn’t get completely naked, boo, but he washes Aoi’s feet and then up his legs to his inner thigh, believing his fib that it hurts to bend over still and he doesn’t want to ask his sister to clean him. His hands are strong and comfortable. He rinses them and then puts them in Aoi’s hair. “It still looks really nice.”

“Thanks.”

“And if you want me close all you have to do is ask.”

“Um…”

“It’s kind of all over your face,” he laughs.

“Sorry.” He isn’t.

“Can I ask you a weird question?”

“Shoot.”

“Can I wash your back?”

“You watch too much anime,” Aoi murmurs but consents. It feels so good he sighs loudly and doesn’t care that the others probably heard. The warm water combined with strong scrubbing makes him squeeze his thighs together and will himself not to get hard.

He lets Carlos wash under his arms, lower back, stomach, chest, neck, and behind his ears. Aoi takes ownership of his face, ass, and crotch as they don’t know each other _that_ well. Aoi quietly asks Carlos to try touching the scar but the second the washcloth touches his skin he feels someone else’s hand on him and trembles traitorously. “Stop.”

“Okay, okay.” He rubs his shoulder. “Get in the bath.”

Aoi is shameless and watches Carlos scrub down. Hell yes. Junpei, waiting outside the door for his turn, snorts when they leave together. (Quiet, Junpei.) Aoi grabs Carlos’ wrist when he tries to go to Junpei’s room. “Akane, I’m sharing with him.”

Inside his room, Aoi sits on the bed and gives Carlos a cat’s smile.

*

So when the Carlos from another history asks him, Aoi says he doesn’t remember how they got together. It’s not this Carlos’ story to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aoi and Carlos meet, argue about emergency plans, and Aoi's like "Fuck this guy." Aoi is then captured and tortured off-screen, rest of the chapter is about him recovering from that and him n' Carlos having a Recovery Romance. This is How They Got Together, that thing Aoi said he "didn't remember" in Chapter 2.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting this out ahead of busy IRL things. Commenters have been so sweet, thank you, but all readers are loved.

**4\. predilection**

Carlos wakes up before Aoi. It’s foreign but novel to hear someone else’s sleep-breathing next to him and feel their warmth and weight in the bed. He’s used to snoring at the firehouse or Maria passing out on the couch beside him. When he looks Aoi is peaceful and lying on his left side facing Carlos. This feels better than Aoi living on the sofa.

_”Do you want me to stay here?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay.”_

Carlos blinks at the memory. He only heard audio, but it sounds so warm and familiar. He reaches over, holds his hand over Aoi’s head for a moment, then moves it down and puts it over Aoi’s free hand, the one not lost beneath the blanket. Behind Aoi, a nightstand—Aoi’s—has a picture of him and Akane at an ice skating rink; Akane is holding on to the railing like she’s scared she’ll fall and Aoi has his arm around her waist. Their scarves and earmuffs are matching purple.

Maybe Carlos will change his phone background to one of the plane selfies when he gets up.

When Aoi wakes up his eyes drift to their hands and he doesn’t react. He sits up, stretches his arms, and announces, “I get first shower.” Carlos doesn’t respond, as his eyes fall on the long contracture scar over Aoi’s ribs. Ouch, that must’ve been a painful second-degree. It’s long and mottled red, with little parallel lines that remind Carlos of a bar or tube, and puckers the skin around it so Aoi’s left side is noticeably marked.

Aoi must feel his eyes as he looks at Carlos with a cool expression. “It’s fine,” he says flatly.

Carlos can respect that; he has a multitude of scars with reasons ranging from ‘Work accident’ to ‘I’m an idiot.’ Some he doesn’t care about explaining, some he really does. “Anything else I should know about it?”

“Don’t touch it.”

Carlos nods. He wishes the previous Carlos had left notes; this really should be a precautionary measure considering he’s a SHIFTer. ‘By the way, I know you’re a happy bachelor but you’re committed to someone in this history,’ or at least basic things like ‘Red meat makes you sick now.’ He changes the subject to get his mind off of this: “Do you like pancakes?” It’s one of the bachelor foods he could always make, one recipe of a spectrum usually made at work to feed a crew of active firefighters.

Aoi laughs softly. “Yeah. I’ll eat any kind.” He says that with a pause that makes Carlos think he’s being polite. Still, when breakfast is ready he eats them even though he pushes the blueberries around on his plate.

Maria tugs Carlos away by the elbow when they’re done, leaving Aoi huffing about are they going to make him clean up again? “Yes,” she calls and he rolls his eyes. She takes Carlos to his room. “How’s it going?”

“What?”

“Do you think you like him?”

He puts a hand on the back of his head. “Am I a doll now?” It’s unnerving how convinced everyone is he should be able to slip back into this life. Without adrenaline and life-or-death purpose guiding him, Carlos sees he has doubts about SHIFTing just like Junpei did during the final decision.

“Sorry, it’s just...you seemed really happy with him!” She touches his cheek. “And I want you to be happy.”

He puts his hand over hers. “Enough about that—what do you want? Do you like him, does he make you uncomfortable at all?” If the answer is yes, Carlos has no issue picking him up and tossing him out the door.

“No, no, no, don’t make this about me.” She frowns. “I told you I don’t want you to use me as an excuse anymore.” This must be another old argument as she sighs and scuffs the carpet with one foot.

“But I—”

“Nope!”

The situation has exhausted Carlos and he does something he never does: he snaps at his sister, “You can’t refuse to listen to me to get what you want!” She always did that in the hospital; he loved her to death but he got tired of entreating her to be medication compliant, even when her meds tore up her stomach or wrecked her teeth. At the time he thought he was looking out for her best interest; he felt horrible when he learned he’d put her through all that for no reason because the answer wasn’t more pills. Akane said he had no way of knowing and not to worry, but...well she didn’t have a little sister. She _was_ the little sister. “...Why does everyone think they know what I want?”

Maria folds her arms. “Why do you think you know what I want?” They stand there quietly, at odds in a way he isn’t used to. He looks at Maria and realizes in his original history, his Maria lost her Carlos forever and suddenly he’s blinking back tears. “Ah! Wait, Carlos, what’s wrong?” She dabs at his face with her black sleeve and he shakes his head.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You always tell me not to worry about you,” she says, mouth twisted with anxiety. “I’m sorry for pushing you, okay?”

He is such an idiot, for taking a gamble with his life and his Maria’s by leaving her. What’s going to happen to her now? Why is it him that gets to stay with his sibling forever in a peaceful world? He rubs his eyes and Maria shushes him. “I’m sorry, Maria.”

From her expression it’s clear she doesn’t get it, but one of the many beautiful parts of Maria is she doesn’t try to logic away feelings; she just hugs people and lets them cry. When he’s cried himself out he feels silly, but she just rubs his back and reassures him that it’s okay, she loves him and she’s sorry again. “Go wash your face,” she whispers, and then heads to the kitchen. “Aooiiii, did you drown in the sink while I was gone?”

“No but I wanted to,” he says. They wash up together and Carlos stands out of sight, listening to them banter and Maria ask for Aoi’s advice on investments.

*

Maria has either spoken with Akane or still has her agenda because she tells Carlos she’s going back to her apartment because something or other pet sitting her roommate’s lizard. He’s never heard about a lizard before. He starts to warn her she’s closer to the fire line than he, but she says “Bye-bye,” and leaves before he can say anything.

“Come back when you’re done, what if you have to evacuate!”

“She’s an adult,” Aoi says to his back.

“Yeah, but—!” She’s just out of the hospital in his world. She can walk but not run, she eats four things, and she’s dragging her feet on studying for her GED. When it comes to housekeeping she’s the epitome of learned helplessness. She’s twenty-three but snaps at him like a teenager. He is so happy and so confused seeing her as she is now. He throws his hands up. “I know I’m overprotective.”

“Yeah, you are,” Aoi says fondly. “Do you want to go out?”

They don sick masks and drive with no direction, watching the smoke on the horizon and idly discussing what they’ll do if it gets worse. They can always fly back to his place, Aoi points out, and Carlos says that’s not the point and he has to work. 

“Fine, Starbucks,” Aoi declares, and puts his feet up on the dash. Carlos tells a story about an accident he attended where a passenger did just that, how the human shins will shatter when going 80 miles per hour and where the knees end up (hint: he won’t like it). Aoi hurriedly puts them down.

“Do you have shares in this place?” he asks Aoi when they’re in line. It’s crowded because the Wi-Fi is free and a lot of the customers have clearly been pushed or burned out of their homes. He’s surrounded by conversations with insurance companies, relatives, and banks. Crying. Yelling. (Carlos is reminded of when he was eighteen and his partner caught him sobbing in his car because he’d had an argument with the bank that no he didn’t have the death certificates yet but yes his parents really were dead, so sell the fucking mortgage debt he didn’t care anymore.) He buys the coffee of the people behind him, who look wired and shell shocked all at once.

“Yes, and I like it. It reminds me of airports,” Aoi says. “Like I have one type of drink I order when I’m waiting to pick Akane up, then one for you, and another if I’m just waiting.”

“What do you drink when Junpei is on the way?”

“Duty free alcohol.”

“And me?”

“Macchiato, obviously.” When they order Aoi gives Carlos’ name again and they watch wildfire news on his phone, splitting a pair of wireless earbuds. Aoi flinches when on-screen a shower of sparks hits the windshield of a car. He plugs one ear so he can hear what the cameraman, a citizen trying to escape the fire, is saying. “What is it like to be in this?” he asks when he notices Carlos calmly studying the screen; he’s doing mental calculations of what he would do in the same situation sans gear and crew.

“Dark and loud,” he says. “Nobody understands how hard it is to see when you’re in one.” Nobody gets how exhilarating it is either, but Carlos hates the public boiling firefighters down to adrenaline junkies. He puts an arm on the back of Aoi’s seat and leans forward to look closer. It’s a new video. The guardrails are burning onscreen and the couple narrates how hot their car is, how they’re scared to drive over the embers but they have no choice. 

Aoi leans back against his arm and inclines his head so he almost brushes Carlos’ jaw. His definition of PDA shifts with his desire to tease Carlos. “You have an escape plan by the way.”

“Of course.”

“I take Maria if I’m here. There’s a back road you think would be sheltered because there’s water on one side and not many people want to drive it because it’s winding.” Aoi is muttering as he recalls it like a grocery list; Carlos knows he must’ve followed Aoi around drilling him until he got fed up.

“You probably have one too, right?”

“Several.” They sit and watch the news for a while still until Carlos senses new people crowding the lobby, waiting to find places to charge their technology or rest. He nudges Aoi’s shoulder and Aoi finishes off Carlos’ drink without asking if he wants it. When they stand up, Carlos sees the sky is darkening and smoggy and visibility only so-so. He’s nervous about driving home, but he’ll stay in this area until he physically can’t work anymore. 

Aoi, still watching videos as they leave, quietly says, “Don’t take stupid risks again just because you can SHIFT. I hate it when they do that.”

Carlos doesn’t answer. He smiles when on the video one firefighter puts his arm around another and reassures him he’s doing great. “Can we make a pit stop?”

*

Jim has been his partner at work for ten years; ten is the magic number as he’s also ten years older than Carlos. Jim always calls him by his last name (“Frazier lay off the probie,” and “Frazier stop standing around with your dick in your hand,”) and the few days Carlos has worked without him have all sucked. In his history Jim is still working, unharmed, and probably went to Carlos’ funeral and called him an asshole to his face in the casket. Carlos smiles when he thinks about it because that’s what they always say they’ll do for whoever dies first.

Jim’s daughter, Sadie, is riding her bike in circles in the driveway, and when she sees Carlos’ car she leaps out of her seat. She jumps into his arms when he’s coming up the driveway. Carlos hugs her as hard as he safely can and carries her into the entryway, calling “I’m breaking in.” He makes like he’s going to drop Sadie so she’ll laugh and then sets her down gently.

“Oh, this asshole,” his former partner calls from his seat in the recliner. He’s wearing a leg brace over scrub pants and no shirt. Jim’s incredibly proud of his physical condition but in this history has lost muscle mass, likely due to having nothing to challenge him outside of rehab. Carlos fistbumps him while Aoi politely wanders into the bathroom. “Don’t you work tomorrow?”

“Well yeah, but when did that stop me?” Carlos has ten plus years of falling asleep in Jim’s car and on his couch and a couple times on his floor when he couldn’t convince the hospital to let him stay in Maria’s room. He went to Carlos’ parents’ funeral and Carlos sat up with him all night when his divorce was finalized. In this history he kept the house in the divorce settlement because he’s permanently disabled after falling through some flooring during a call. A walker with electric blue tassels and racing stripe stickers sits by the arm of his recliner. He’s decorated the house like a sitcom bachelor whose surprise lovechild showed up on the doorstep; a full wall of movies on old VHS and DVD copies, grade school books on a low table in front of the TV, Sadie’s forgotten backpack on the couch, a carpet in need of vacuuming, and a beer and soda can side-by-side on the TV dinner stand. It’s all so very familiar Carlos feels like he’s just taken his gear off and inhaled fresh air.

“I better not get a call from your captain.” Jim cracks another beer anyway and offers it to him. Carlos slumps back on the couch and sighs, swigs the beer, and engages in overdue small talk about Maria, Jim’s leg, how much he hates OT, PT, and the California welfare system, Sadie, and work gossip. (Nobody believes Carlos when he says firefighters are overgrown middle school girls when it comes to firehouse drama.) “Did I hear the mister when you came in?”

“Yeeeep.” Carlos folds his arms. “It was sudden or I would’ve visited sooner.” He can hear Aoi in the kitchen engaging in small talk with Sadie. She announces she’s an aspiring veterinarian; Aoi says it’s very hard and she should study hard. That he came inside the house but secluded himself suggests he and Jim neither like nor dislike each other and it disappoints Carlos.

Jim lowers his voice. “He good?”

“Yeah. I think so.” Carlos shrugs and that’s the whole answer. Jim’s ten years older than him but it hasn’t made him any more touchy-feely. ‘Do I look happy in this world?’ Carlos wants to ask, but he relies on Jim to save his life and goad him into getting hammered on their birthdays, not be his therapist. Jim needs the support more, Carlos thinks as he notices how agitated Jim gets when he sees coverage of the wildfires on TV. 

They hang out until Sadie’s bedtime, when Jim dismisses Carlos and Aoi and starts dragging himself to Sadie’s room so she can read _Harry Potter_ to him. Carlos can’t get over how big she is now. She’s how old, eight? When he calls “Bye-bye,” she stares at him like he spoke to her in French.

“Do you want kids?” he asks Aoi on the ride home, and Aoi answers with an instant “Nah. I raised one already.”

“Me too.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want next chapter to be a proper Trauma Flashback Chapter but until then here's Aoi and Maria gen. In a firestorm.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/junpeidoll) for fic status and shitposts.

**5\. color**

They’re ordered to evacuate at 2AM on a Wednesday. Carlos is at work; Aoi tosses his go bag in the backseat and speeds like hell to Maria, who’s awake although in her pajamas and pacing with the same anxious energy she has when she remembers her parents. “You’re fine, move,” Aoi scolds her and helps her throw her supplies into a garbage bag for lack of better options. Clothes, water bottles, tampons, masks for smoke, medication, an amethyst geode, and the book she’s reading now and then they’re rushing to the car. Maria tips her head back in the passenger seat and sighs heavily although they haven’t even hit the road yet.

They drive and drive through slow-moving traffic and then eerily empty roads with fires blazing close enough to rain embers on their car. At one point they come to a dead stop and debate if going this way is worth it because the visibility is so bad and a few times sparks from a burning guardrail have hit the windows. Soon, he worries. their luck will run out when they try to drive around burning debris scattered on the road and they’ll get hit head-on by a car in the opposite lane.

Aoi twists his body in his seat, looking for alternatives that don’t exist. “Hey, I wonder if a detour is in order.”

“We have to trust Carlos,” Maria insists and Aoi wants to ask how belief in Carlos going to keep them from dying in this car, but then the wind picks up and fire licks off the guardrail and they both flinch, then he hits the gas. 

They’re making progress but towards what Aoi isn’t sure. The road before them stops existing, and they’re driving through a red, yellow, and orange tunnel of fire. Carlos was right, being inside of a fire is dark despite the warm colors and loud. Sweat pours off their faces and at one point he fears the car will explode or melt, it’s so hot. ‘Please,’ he beseeches the universe, the car, whatever. If they stop they’ll burn to death and if they don't he still feels like the window for their survival narrows by the second. 

He steers around an abandoned car stopped on the road and wonders with dread what happened to its occupants. “Hey, Maria?” After she doesn’t respond, he looks over and sees she’s bent over with her forehead to her knees. 

Her hair sticks to her neck and her she shakes her head slightly before uttering, “Keep going.”

“I’m trying!”

She groans and he swerves again so fast she bumps into the passenger side door. “Carlos says the road is still open. Keep going, the last exit is clear,” she gets out, and Aoi feels her seat rock with her motions. He doesn’t remember Akane being this dramatic when she communicates through the fields but for all he knows Akane coached Maria.

Aoi clings to the steering wheel until they’re coasting down the exit ramp. When they cross state lines and have been driving through a safe zone for thirty minutes, the stop on the shoulder. Aoi rests his head on the steering wheel and breathes easy for the first time. They have no phone service but it doesn’t stop Maria from trying to call Carlos. She says she’s too tired to use the morphic fieldset again. Carlos would’ve gotten off of work by now and she keeps her breathing steady but her brow is furrowed. “He’ll be alright,” she reassures herself. 

Aoi pats her shoulder like he would for Akane. “Good job. Mean it.”

Maria lets out a hysterical giggle, and Aoi joins her in disbelieving laughter. 

Maria won’t bite at the offer for a fancy flight out of the tri-state area because it means being too far from Carlos, so Aoi takes her to the same Nevada safehouse he waited for Akane in during the Dcom fiasco. It’s been left empty since then and they breathe dust and chase mice out of the linen closet. They fall asleep while watching the news on Aoi’s phone and he wakes up after midnight sore and hungry but can’t eat.

He needs to call his family too. Akane and Junpei insist he drag Maria to them and he refuses, arguing when they say they’ll come here instead. “I’m a grown man and we’re outside of the fire zone. Stop worrying,” he says. They show up after midnight the next day, which is longer than he thought they would take. 

“You? We’re here for Maria,” Junpei says in mock confusion and gasps when Aoi smacks him on the head. When Maria sees them she pulls them into a group hug. They don’t ask him about the Carlos situation and he’s glad for their priorities. 

“I tried it just like you said,” Maria tells Akane in a conspiratorial whisper, and Akane nods as she takes both of Maria’s hands. Suspicion confirmed.

“Now we can gossip about the boys in front of them,” Akane adds, and then shakes Maria off to dig in her own dress pocket. She retrieves chocolates and splits them equally with Maria, giving Aoi an exaggerated unapologetic shrug when he waits for his portion. (Junpei, in a gesture of solidarity, offers Aoi two melted chocolates he found in his pants.)

Watching the trio interact, jostling for position on the same sofa and for access to the one working outlet in the room, Aoi feels like their babysitter. He smiles at that before sneaking outside. He leans against the car that saw him out of California against all odds and marvels that he’d never know it had been through a firestorm but for the layer of ash.

The desert is cold as ever and he looks up at the stars; he’s only ever seen a sky so free of light pollution on the ocean and out in the desert. He prefers the desert as it reminds him of every success he’s ever had. He wonders what Carlos is looking at right now.

When Aoi calls, Carlos’ voicemail greeting is charming and direct. Aoi hopes Carlos has a good partner firefighter behind him tonight. He leaves a simple message: “Hey, you’re busy, but you’re not too busy to call your sister. ‘Night.” He digs the toe of his boot into the dirt and stargazes for a while before heading inside.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't sleep. Only warning if you need it is mild sexual content. eta: Oh my Lord pardon the proofreading mess, I went back and fixed tenses but will have to wait until after work to get the rest of it. Thanks for patience.

**6\. sound**

Carlos is used to waking up to the sound of a heart monitor, less so waking to a blood pressure cuff squeezing his arm tightly. He lifts his head and makes out a figure sitting at the end of his bed in the darkened hospital room. “Maria?”

“Just me,” Aoi says. “She’s in the bathroom.” He stands, walks over, and hovers by the bedside before putting a hand by Carlos’ head on the pillow. He leans down and kisses him. “Congrats, lacerated liver and hepatic hematoma.”

“I’ve had a lacerated liver before.” Carlos’ throat is sore.

“Because _that’s_ the point.”

Carlos doesn’t remember anything except blurry images of nurses and someone cutting his clothes off. He knew he’d been in the final infiltration of the fanatic’s base. He’d been dressed in the tactical clothes provided by Crash Keys for the rescue team, an insignia on the chest indicating he was the leader. His team did a great job; Aoi admits all of Carlos’ long ago demands allowed them to flow beautifully as they worked together. “Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah,” Aoi says softly. “Their boss took great care of them.”

Carlos smiles. “They were great.” His stomach is sore whenever he shifts in his bed and the IV stings in a way it shouldn’t. “How are—”

Aoi nods. “They’re fine. Junpei has a bunch of screws in his ankle now but he’ll walk.” He looks around before dropping his voice and adding, “He knows some guys who run this as a tax shelter so we’re safe.”

Carlos isn’t surprised about Junpei, only wondering what other underworld perks he can procure when he feels like it. Carlos tries to lift himself onto his elbows and groans when his stomach pulls inside. 

“Hey.” Aoi puts a hand on Carlos’ shoulder and looks concerned but stern, like he does for Akane when she won’t sleep. “I gotcha. Go back to sleep. She’ll be here.”

That sounds like a good idea. Carlos sinks back down and shuts his eyes.

Aoi is there when he wakes up again.

*

When Carlos wakes up he’s nursing the memory of waking up in the hospital and feels peaceful for a moment before he sees the weather report: dry, hot, and perfect fire conditions for the foreseeable future.

There are no miracle rains in California, just bright orange flame retardant pouring from planes on high. Everything in Carlos’ world now is orange, black, red, and gray; the only other, spare colors are in selfies Maria sends him. Maria’s safe and Aoi kept his apparent promise so Carlos trusts him. Aoi calls with increasing frequency and when he can’t reach Carlos he leaves messages with odd facts of the day or thought experiments for him to ponder while he’s “bored at work.”

Carlos fights and digs fire breaks and prays for a change in conditions when a blessed thing happens: in the next few days the winds calm which allows firefighters to put out the fire and keep it out. Soon he stands exhausted at the edge of the gathered crew as it’s explained to them they may get to go home soon. When he gets off he sits in his car and calls Aoi. “Are you coming back with Maria?”

“You want me to?”

Carlos says it without realizing. He's looking forward to Maria and sleep and canned stew over rice. But it feels nice to have Aoi around. “Yeah.”

“Uh… Sure I’ll bring her back.”

Aoi does, along with Akane and Junpei who cling to Carlos’ arms when they first saw him. “Hey guys!” he says, feeling not unlike an owner of two clingy but loving cats. “Drove each other crazy yet?”

“I need a drink,” Aoi says and walks past him. He makes a face when Maria nudges in under his arm to grab a beer before him. “Hey.”

“I bought them,” she lies and goes back to Carlos’ room. Maria is his favorite cat but a cat all the same.

“Were you safe?” Akane asks.

Junpei follows up with, “Was it busy?”

“You didn’t do anything stupid?” Aoi finishes and smirks around the lip of his beer bottle.

“Yes, yes, and probably not.”

“Sit down, we’ll make you dinner!” Akane continues.

Junpei adds, “We’ll get you a drink.”

“We’ll let him rest for five minutes,” Aoi says, putting a hand on either of their heads; Akane pouts while Junpei shakes him off.

Aoi takes one look at the pantry and makes a judgmental face, looking at Carlos with his arms folded, then tells the other two they're going shopping. He obviously missed having them around 24/7, Carlos thinks. Maria brushes past them in the hall, having stolen Carlos’ Nintendo handheld and hugs him briefly before throwing herself in the chair and playing. The apartment is finally homey again with the sounds and sights of other people and he finally feels relaxed enough to rest.

Carlos takes a nap and wakes up feeling his aches and days of work. Someone has crawled into bed with him; Aoi is asleep on his right side, back to him. Carlos pauses for a moment before scooting closer and putting an arm over him. He feels Aoi’s shoulder stiffen before he pushes his arm off slowly. So he is awake.

This isn’t the right time, but. “Can I ask about that scar?”

“...Why?”

“Just to understand.”

“I guess.”

“How did you get it?”

“Someone hurt me.” Aoi turns over and faces him, face drawn. “Now can you drop it?”

“I can.”

“Good.”

“You want a shower?”

His eyes are drawn to Aoi’s scar in the shower as Aoi stands there looking cold because they can’t both be in the water at the same time. Carlos has a phantom longing for the Japanese-style bathroom they used to do this in, and he isn’t confused about how he knows it.

There are a lot of good memories of that bathroom and the opportunity for more is in front of Carlos now. He’s positive he doesn’t stink anymore and the visible grime is gone, so maybe Aoi wouldn’t mind if... He rests a hand on Aoi’s hip and it feels bony. Aoi looks up at him with pleased surprise in his eyes, even as he’s fussing with his wet hair.

Fifteen minutes past the time it normally takes him to shower, he hopes they stifled moans well enough and is glad nobody fell.

In the bedroom Aoi sits cross-legged on his towel on the bed, using Carlos’ stolen Gold Bond lotion to moisturize his scar. He looks bored as he does it and Carlos shouldn’t stare, but the weight of unspoken questions is bearing down on him. He said he wouldn’t pry so he won’t, but it represents a lot of questions he has that he doesn’t know where to begin asking. He keeps thinking that the right time will come but so far it hasn’t.

“Staring isn’t dropping it,” Aoi says matter-of-factly and Carlos shakes his head, wondering why he’s never too old to embarrass himself. Aoi wriggles into one of Carlos’ old fire department shirts and his own jeans. “Thanks, I needed that,” he says and brushes past him to go make dinner.

Carlos watches him leave and thinks this is a foreign life but that it isn’t bad.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another recovery chapter for Aoi. Thanks D/epithalamium for giving me a lot of help with last chapter, this one, and fic in general.
> 
> This one features PTSD, skip if that will trigger you.

**7\. envy**

While he brushes Junpei’s hair behind his ear and pats his back as he hurls into a public toilet, Aoi muses that it’s too late to tell Junpei he’s too drunk. Aoi doesn’t know what triggered a binge, just that in the middle of their night out Junpei started slamming shots instead of beer and then bolted to the bathroom. Something is wrong and it’s more than his blood alcohol content.

When Junpei’s done the latest wave of puke he bends over with his hands on his knees and moans, “Can we go home?”

Aoi calls a cab because he doesn’t trust Junpei to walk without falling; on the way back Junpei drapes his jacket over his face and groans. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Neon lights,” Junpei murmurs. “I hate neon lights now.”

“You’re going to hate vodka tomorrow.”

Aoi is right. He doesn’t enjoy it because he knows if the sound of a police siren sets him off Junpei will be there. He doesn’t know if he can repay the endless hours of work Junpei put into finding him; Junpei never lets Aoi thank him for it.

Aoi will wipe Junpei’s mouth whenever he pukes if he has to.

*

Akane doesn’t make Aoi talk if he doesn’t want to. She doesn’t ask questions and she doesn’t rant in front of him about all the things she wishes she’d done to the fanatic—and he knows she wants to do cruel, awful things to them. She had it in her to be Zero after all. Like Hongou, defeating the fanatic will be her finest revenge and he’ll take a bow beside her when they do.

She’s the first person who twists his arm to leave the house and get off the couch when he’s lost in his thoughts. She’s armed with psychological studies of what’s best for him and sometimes he wants to tell her to get lost. He tries for her. She loves him and he owes it to her to be strong.

He draws the line at going on a date with Carlos; so they fooled around, they’re not gonna share spaghetti like two cartoon dogs.

“That’s too bad, I already made the reservation.” She gives him what he nicknamed “Baby Bunny Eyes” when she was a kid. “Carlos is expecting you, Niichan.”

“I hate you,” Aoi says, but he ends up sitting across from Carlos eating poke. Great.

*

Carlos is distracted and it’s charming. He says, “Well after last time I saw you—” and chuckles like he knows exactly what he’s doing when Aoi makes a slashing motion over his own throat. Carlos knocks Aoi’s drink over at one point and Aoi watches Carlos’ hands as he cleans up. He remembers when they were on his waist and his mouth dries as he does.

Carlos phone lights up when he checks it he makes an amused noise under his breath. “Your sister is trying to give me an out in case it’s going poorly.” 

Aoi is offended because Akane didn’t text _him_ an out. “If it is it’s all her fault.” He swipes at the slick spot on the table.

“It’s not for me.”

Aoi has had several people lay it on thick like that but Carlos seems to mean it—in his eyes and the way he asks Aoi questions about work despite having no idea what he’s talking about. Aoi learns a lot about bunk arson science and some musical called _Seven Brides for Seven Brothers._

Carlos kisses him in the parking lot; it quiets Aoi’s worry that he’s out in the open.

*

What happened will never be okay; the First Nonary Game isn’t negated by saving Akane and the torture isn’t negated because he’s getting a life again. Aoi can drive again but took several false starts that ended with him hiding his face in the steering wheel and gagging.

Even he agrees he works too much but it’s a comfortable way to live. He sleeps for three-hours and then wakes to check his laptop or phone. When Akane finds him awake at 3:00am she pours him a glass of water and pets his head before going back to bed.

Junpei watches TV on the couch nearby because he needs his own distractions. Occasionally he bitches that Aoi always cuts his budget when he’s been working before dawn and Aoi threatens to do away with per diem.

Aoi knows they’re not awake just for him; he knows that Akane hasn’t slept through the night without drugs since she was twelve years-old. Everything that’s happened to them has left them with issues.

He feels guilty, but he’s envious that they have each other to get by. They all need each other, but Junpei supplanted Aoi as Akane’s protector a long time ago.

*

Aoi doesn’t need a protector, just a confidant. He has Akane, who wants to understand, and Junpei, who is the first to admit he doesn’t understand, and now he has Carlos who doesn’t bring it up at all. He takes Aoi to dinner, free concerts, and bookstores. Aoi buys him tickets to his favorite show and Carlos tries to play off how excited he is.

Aoi is bored during said show but feigns interest when Carlos asks him how he liked it afterward. “I don’t do that,” he says when Carlos tries to take his hand in the street, but he bumps his hand into Carlos’ hip a few times to show he does want contact. When Carlos tries to say goodbye at the door Aoi grabs his wrist and says, “Come inside.”

It’s as awkward and inexperienced as the first time but what Carlos lacks in experience he makes up in—and Aoi hates this word applied to sex—passion. He’s surprised but not unhappy when Aoi mutters to sleep here.

Aoi doesn’t want to name it, he just knows he likes having Carlos around and other people don’t compare. Carlos doesn’t make the bad okay; he makes the good better.


	8. Chapter 8

**8\. patience**

It’s bedtime the night before Aoi’s supposed to leave and Carlos is having a hard time letting him go. “Are you sure you have to go now?” Carlos kisses Aoi again and Aoi squirms in Carlos’ arms like Mikan when she doesn’t want to be petted.

“I’m sure.” He makes a surprised noise against Carlos’ mouth. “That isn’t gonna convince me to stay longer.” He already changed his mind once and let Junpei and Akane fly out ahead of him so he could have one more night alone with Carlos. With the way he’s acting now, Carlos suspects this was done for his benefit and not Aoi’s, but he’s grateful.

“Is it a start?”

“Go to sleep, Carlos.” Aoi wriggles until Carlos lets him go and then he rolls over and grabs his phone but accepts Carlos curling up against his back.

Carlos dozes off and wakes up because Aoi is clinging to his arm tighter than a constrictor. “What?”

Aoi doesn’t speak; he has his face buried in Carlos’ arm and shakes his head when Carlos nudges him. Carlos wonders if this is what Aoi’s bad nights look like when Aoi coughs and says, “Carlos?” in the tightest smallest voice he’s ever heard from him.

“Yeah.”

Aoi throws a leg over his waist and is clinging to him like he’s trying to meld into him. “Hey.”

Carlos has an idea what happened; the confusion, the anxiety. He sees himself, newly SHIFTed. He lets this other Aoi hold on to him and thinks they’re going to do this dance all over again. Well, at least they can fumble through it together.

Aoi’s breaths shudder and he keeps tensing and releasing his hands in Carlos’ shirt. He lets out a pained noise and doesn’t respond to further stimuli. When he finally relaxes he rests his head on Carlos’ shoulder. “I’m really sorry.”

“I know. It’s okay,” he whispers and kisses him again. Nobody SHIFTs under ideal circumstances and he guesses Aoi can’t process it yet. Aoi keeps glancing up at him as if to check if he’s there. “Akane and Junpei are okay.”

Aoi nods but doesn’t seem comforted. He swallows and rubs his chest. “Please...”

“I’m here.” He puts his arm over Aoi. “Get some sleep.”

Aoi is wired though and they stay awake in silence for a long time. Carlos is about to nod off himself when he feels Aoi grow heavier in his arms, and he takes that as permission to rest. By the time Carlos wakes up, his Aoi has SHIFTed back. Carlos wonders what that other Aoi needed. He feels bad for him.

**

Aoi is perturbed by the existence of another Aoi in this history. He asks Carlos if this Aoi was here before, and how does Carlos know? He doesn’t relax when Carlos assures him he’s fine. “I’ve just never SHIFTed.” Aoi shrugs. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Don’t you and Akane have the same parents?”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“Epigenetics!” Carlos polishes his nails. “I pay attention when they talk.”

“We do, but so do Phi and Brother.” Aoi puts a hand under his chin and stares out the living room window. “I wonder what he wanted.” He looks back at Carlos and he’s affectionate, fond, and trusting. “You can’t date him instead of me.”

Carlos approaches him, cups the back of his head, and presses his forehead against Aoi’s. “Aren’t you the one cheating?” He realizes that was the wrong thing to say when Aoi’s eyes darken and though he doesn’t say anything Carlos can feel the temperature in the room drop based on his expression. “...Sorry.”

“Thanks.”

Carlos drives him to the airport and they arrive early so they sit in the parking garage for a time, Aoi finishing his chocolate croissant. Carlos decides to broach the subject: “What was your Carlos like?”

“He was you,” Aoi begins, “but also he wasn’t you. The basic details are the same, it’s more where your experiences differ that it comes out.” Aoi doesn’t explain and when Carlos presses he just says, “What is there to tell you?”

Carlos takes Aoi’s forearm with both of his hands and Aoi starts. “There are whole chunks of my life I don’t know about, like you, Aoi.”

Aoi’s eyes go wide. “...You can say my name.”

Carlos’ annoyance is replaced with pride. “Well, I felt bad so I asked your sister to practice with me. Oh wait, she asked me to tell you…” He recites what Akane taught him to say.

Aoi stares at him before muttering, “Akane…”

“What did I say?”

“Nothing important.” Aoi jiggles the car door handle. “You wanna go?”

Carlos puts a hand on his knee and leans in. “You have a minute,” he says and kisses Aoi.

“I do,” Aoi whispers against his mouth.

**

Carlos knows that before he arrived and blew away all plans he and Aoi had, the other Carlos wanted to get married. He could remember the other Carlos’ thoughts and experience easily:

Aoi steals him after work and Carlos sleeps in the car as they drive up into the mountains, arriving at a tiny lodge that Aoi is pleased with himself for finding. They make exactly one trip into town for groceries and wine and then don’t leave the room. 

Carlos asks Aoi to marry him on an impulse and triggered by how Aoi cracks his neck and jokes that Carlos has a one-track mind which makes dating him easy.

Aoi laughs so hard he spills his paper cup of wine and only peters out when Carlos is silent. “You’re serious.”

“Yep.” He can pretend he’s sleep-deprived and drunk but he won’t. “Let’s get married,” he repeats. To Aoi’s silence, he says, “It’s okay if that’s a ‘No,’” though he feels cold and dejected the longer they sit there without Aoi’s answer.

“I don’t know!” Aoi throws his hands up before seeing the spilled wine, cursing, and grabbing paper towels to mop it up. “That’s your big lead-in?”

“...The romantic weekend away isn’t a good lead-in?”

“_I_ planned this, _you_ need to get creative on your own dime.”

“That’s how you end up with Thai food on paper plates and you know it.”

“We’re drinking wine in our underwear!”

“So a good representation of our relationship.” Carlos helps Aoi clean up and while he’s on one knee on the floor, bent over and muttering something, Carlos says, “It’s really okay if the answer is no.”

“It’s not,” Aoi murmurs. “I don’t know what it is.”

“I’ll wait.”

**

It’s 2:00am when Carlos’ phone goes off and he groans, anticipating it being work calling him in even though it’s his first day of his forty-eight off. He paws at his nightstand before finding it and grumbles a greeting at the caller.

“Yo,” Aoi says, sounding awake and clear.

“Uhh?” 

“He was the kind of person who took care of me when I got hurt by those people. That’s not why I liked him, but I never got to thank him for doing that.” When Carlos is quiet because his mouth is still full of cotton, Aoi adds, “But I like you too. Goodnight.” He hangs up after that.

Carlos smiles. He thinks that he’s competing with the man Aoi might’ve married and he’s still keeping pace. The bed is quiet tonight without someone else’s sleep breathing and stirring under the covers and the blanket running over skin. Carlos watches his phone for a while still before falling back asleep, feeling the empty spot beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a creature of id and this fic is almost done.


	9. Chapter 9

**9\. sleep**

Aoi likes the gym’s pool; he and Junpei started going after realizing they were getting soft after months without any pressing field tasks. After watching a muscular guy deadlift weight in the low hundreds, they looked at each other and decided to settle for cardio. Aoi’s holding on to a kickboard and treading water in the deep end while Junpei swims unaided beside him. Aoi always thinks he’s a better swimmer than he is until he’s in the water. His pride won’t allow him to back out. “Hey Junpei?”

Junpei doesn’t open his eyes or look over from where he’s floating on his back. “What?”

“What does it feel like to wake up in another body?”

Junpei considers this for a moment before declaring, “It makes my stomach hurt.”

Aoi wonders if his other self felt like that; Carlos said he was needy and scared and Aoi can’t imagine himself that way. “That’s it?”

“I guess it’s weird.” Junpei paddles gently so he drifts by Aoi. “But it’s all started to blend together for me, who I was and where I am now.”

“Socks of Theseus...Locke’s Ship...what was it again?” 

Junpei puts his feet down into the water and gracefully sits up to tread water. Aoi knows he’s sensitive but he swears Junpei makes that look easy to annoy him. “You’re overthinking it. I am who I am, not a pair of socks.”

“At least you smell better than the socks,” Aoi says and Junpei snorts. On impulse, Aoi lets go of the kickboard and slips under the surface, eyes squeezing shut and nose filling with water. He opens his eyes and looks up at the surface, sees lights on the water, and exhales hard through his nose so bubbles float to the surface. Maybe it feels like this. Finding out there are still things in this world out of his depth makes him feel small and encompassed by water like he is now.

When he tries to swim to the surface it’s harder and takes more coordination than he thought it would. For a moment he flails like an ungainly octopus, struggling upwards, and just as anxiety hits him two hands reach down and grab his upper arms and Junpei pulls him up. Aoi inhales water on the way up and is hacking when he surfaces. 

Junpei continues holding him up like a human kickboard. “Told you not to go under.”

Other Aois must forget every single time they're crap swimmers, too. 

**

At home Mikan follows him around and sits on his feet while he cooks. “Mikan’s boyfriend isn’t here,” he sighs and she meows at him. She demands his attention so he ends up snuggled between her and Akane on the sofa. Akane is warm and content and he watches her crochet a tiny amigurumi cat. "Who's that for?" 

"Maria. She has a girl she wants to give it to." 

"It's cute."

"I know." Somewhere along the way he forgot to teach her humility. She’s perfectly mannered for everyone except him and Junpei. "Do you want me to make one for Carlos? You can pretend you made it."

"I could make my own if I wanted to!" 

"So what's on your mind niichan?" she says as she turns the doll over. "You're only clingy when something is bothering you."

"I'm not being clingy."

"Niichan. I had to take a shower to get away from you."

Admittedly he bugged her to hang out all day long—cafe, shopping, lunch out, work talk, and now TV on the sofa. Maybe he went overboard but they'd been apart for so long. He always thought he’d outgrow that separation anxiety. "Well didn't you miss me?"

"Niichaaan, tell me."

"What about the SHIFTing me?" He’s told her about it because it’s Akane.

"...What about him?" Aoi blinks at her and she continues, "Sorry, that was blunt. I just meant there are thousands of us living so many lives. There are many Aois with their Carlos. It's normal to me." She strokes his ear. "I worry about _my_ niichan." She beams. "And this Carlos fell for you again."

"I'm gonna be sick," he says and kisses her cheek. He takes her hand. "Would you help me though?" He stopped using his powers a long time ago and together they always access the morphic fieldset so easily. 

She sets her doll down and takes his other hand. "Of course." 

**

Aoi’s first thought is, _This hurts._

His second is that he shouldn’t have pushed so hard.

His third is that it’s getting harder and harder to breathe and then someone opens his mouth and frantically scoops fluid out of his throat. Their fingers are bright red and dripping.

**

"...Niichan?" 

He opens his eyes and the TV is off and Mikan is gone. He blinks and rubs his eyes. "How much time has passed?"

“Thirty minutes." She eases him back onto the pillow. "Did we get what we needed?" She’s more subdued now after seeing him die. Her hands shake slightly as she speaks and he opens his arms so she can lay down with him. "I'm sorry," she whispers into his chest.

"You're okay."

He knows what happened to the other Aoi now. He'd been lungshot and that poor Aoi left his body in an effort to save his consciousness. How funny he'd clung to Carlos upon arriving; he’d been there. Aoi heard him. He couldn’t see him but Carlos made a strangled noise while Aoi was...dying. Nothing else made sense. 

Aoi puts his hand on Akane’s back to feel her breathing. He falls asleep with her to forget they'll never be normal. In the morning she makes him an apology crepe and sticks her tongue out at Junpei when he asks where his crepe is. 

He and Junpei go swimming again and draw attention to themselves by arguing about baseball while nude in the showers. There was a time when Aoi couldn’t imagine being so weird in public or taking breaks from work to do something leisurely like hanging out with a friend but maybe age has made him softer. 

He texts Carlos to ask if this is true and Carlos just replies ‘Age?’ to which Aoi says ‘Right answer.’ Still he tells Akane, “I feel old,” without further explanation.

To which she says, “You are.”

He can’t explain this feeling, except to think that it reminds him that he used to be young and tired and lonely and stressed out and now he is mostly tired. He has his whole family now and something approaching peace.

Akane says, “Just enjoy it niichan, is that so hard?”

Junpei says, “Yeah you’ve gotten kinda boring.”

Carlos says, “So when’s the next visit?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carlos and Aoi are listening to "Sports" by Beach Bunny (I guess this fic is my propaganda to get you to listen to bands I like), and there's explicit sex in this chapter. (I bent the dates of Pony Penning, perhaps they experienced that one morphogenetically.)

**10\. fall**  


Winter is Carlos’ least favorite season not because of cruddy weather—he’s never been cursed with the gray, snow, and gloom of the East Coast—but because it’s a nightmare of traffic collisions; house fires caused by festive candles, electricity, and dried-up pine trees; and giving medical care at domestic calls. He loves his job but he dreads winter and grinds his teeth ‘til spring.

The bright spot is he’s finally spending the season with Maria. They take New Year’s off together every year. This year they whisk up no-bake cheesecake from a box and she eats her slice sitting cross-legged atop the kitchen table, wearing the new octopus socks he bought her for Christmas. When she was in the hospital he always bought her novelty socks because she didn’t want him to spend money on clothes she’d outgrow before she could wear them outside. He has his own “cats in space” socks on from her.

“A certain someone called me this morning,” Maria says. She licks brownie whipped cream off the edge of her fork before continuing, “But I wanted Aoi to come here. Why does he work all the time?”

“I can’t criticize anyone for working too much,” he says. Carlos isn’t even sitting down to eat, just watching his neighbors stand around their car smoking and arguing. Apartment life has made him a busybody.

“You’re right—you can’t.”

“Shouldn’t you be working on your thesis?”

“It’s New Year’s, I’m taking a break.” She sticks her tongue out at him. “Call him.”

“He’s busy.”

“He’s your _boyfriend_. He’s not too busy.”

Carlos wants to but he’s reluctant because if Aoi is awake at his time at the close of the year he’s working like Carlos. Something to do with with the stock market that Carlos has never understood. Aoi is a hardass of a boss and works his employees into the ground, so if he’s working he’s managing them too and doesn’t answer. 

Carlos leaves a message and putters around the house. He works tomorrow and isn’t in the mood to go out. Despite Maria’s urging he just tells her to have fun and she finally gives up. Her date meets her at the door and Maria is fast to usher her back to her car before slipping out herself. He wonders why she’s so embarrassed.

He doesn’t care about New Year’s Eve and though he gets calls from his coworkers he turns them down, feeling oddly gray and down. He mixes rum and ginger ale and watches the ball drop alone.

It’s past 1:00am when he gets a picture message from Aoi: it’s the two of them sitting on an anonymous couch, Aoi’s fingers up in a ‘V’ and Carlos’ hand in his hair, both looking a bit drunk. Aoi’s message was, _I have all the pictures of us. My little secret. Happy New Year._

Carlos texts back, _Don’t kill your team, Happy New Year._

_If they’d just do what I said the first time,_ Aoi replies and Carlos laughs into his hand.

**

Carlos flies across the country that spring and is finally reunited with Mikan. She climbs up his leg like when she was a kitten and cuddles up in the crook of his elbow. Jim would give him endless shit if he could see the way Carlos kisses the top of her head and calls her ‘Baby.’ 

They’re split up shortly as Aoi drags him on another trip to a national park, this time to Assateague Island National Seashore. He says Junpei and Akane declined to come but Carlos suspects they were Strongly Encouraged not to by Aoi. On the drive Aoi puts in another one of Maria’s CDs because the band name is cute and reminds him of Akane. The two of them get used to the music and sing along that “‘Maybe love is overrated’” and, teasing, “‘Jesus Christ you’re so confusing!’”

Their visit overlaps with the spectacle of Pony Penning, where the feral horses of Virginia are rounded up to swim to nearby Chincoteage island. “They sell the foals to raise money for the volunteer fire department,” Aoi reads off his visitor’s guide. He’s still a consummate tourist whenever he goes somewhere new. “Might be an idea for you.”

“We’d be better off selling some of the firefighters,” Carlos jokes, but he has a few in mind he likes as fellow firefighters but dislikes as people and would love to see them move along. He asks Aoi if Crash Keys is hiring and Aoi gives his little half-smile.

As they watch the horses swim the span between the islands he takes Aoi’s arm and Aoi bumps his shoulder into him to get him to let go. He steps closer to Carlos when he does.

**

Before long it’s wildfire season and Aoi comes back home with Carlos for the summer. The first day they have brunch with Maria and make it until late afternoon before they hide in Carlos’ room. Aoi looks him up and down before grabbing his shoulders and leaning in to lick the sweat off of his neck.

Carlos has thought about penetrative sex before but never thought about the reality of someone lowering themselves down on him, face pinched and hand on his chest as they murmur, “Easy.” Aoi keeps Carlos from trying to bottom out, shaking his hair out of his face and breathing hard when he’s comfortable. “How does that feel?” 

Carlos wants to ask how he feels but he just nods dumbly and Aoi kisses him open-mouthed. When he moves he works up a little rhythm, groaning softly, eyes closed. Aoi seems pleased when he makes Carlos moan and grab his hips, moving him softly until they find the perfect push-pull. “Shit,” Aoi whines and puts his hand on his own dick.

The breeze blows through the open window and ghosts over their skin, perfectly comfortable.

**

Aoi is in such a weird mood in October; he’s visiting again to hold down the fort while Carlos is in the wildfire grind and Carlos assumes he’s lonely or bored the whole time. He tries to leave Aoi’s favorite foods in the house and has a good music streaming subscription now after years of being told to get it and he’s…_attentive_ when he’s home and can stay awake longer than two minutes. 

Still, Aoi is moody and distant until one day he says, “Hey catch,” and tosses something to Carlos that’s small and weighted.

It’s a velvet ring box.

“It took me a while to think up my answer,” is all Aoi says and they both know what he means.


	11. Chapter 11

**11\. rain**

All Maria says when she finds out is, “Be good to my brother,” and punches his shoulder; Carlos’ current and former fire partners say the exact same thing. How is Carlos so nice when he’s surrounded by brutes?

“Finally!” Akane says and squeezes Carlos instead of her own brother. “Now you’ll move in with us!”

“We may be moving in with him,” Junpei corrects her, and lets himself be pulled into a C-Team group hug. Aoi steps back so they can’t force him into said hug; they’re cute but he feels like he’s being smothered when it’s all three of them. “Good luck with him, Carlos.”

“Where’s my ‘Good luck?’” Aoi protests.

“You get to marry _Carlos_, there’s your good luck,” Junpei replies.

Aoi has to agree with that.

**

“Why can’t I do what I want at my own wedding?” Aoi complains. They’ve dragged him away from work to assemble decorations because, despite him hiring a coordinator for this specific purpose, Akane has her own ideas and the two are currently in a party planning cold war.

His family is impassive. “We had to do it and so do you,” Junpei says. He had to wear formal wear once and he acts like he took a bullet for Aoi.

“I didn’t take control from you!” He doesn’t care about bombonieres (he’s already giving his guests a party and he suspects the engraved boxes filled with candy are a ploy by Akane for more sweets) or flowers or catering. Carlos already requested they keep it as no-frills as possible because of his frathouse of a fire crew (“They’ll behave themselves, I swear,” he promises). The only other thing he asked for _was_ a wedding ceremony so his former partner can be Best Man like they always said he would, and Aoi is weak. “Can’t I do this my way?”

“No,” Akane says and shoves another mini bouquet for the centerpieces at him. He’s to gather the flowers in a predetermined color pattern, tie them with twine and then cover that twine with a ribbon tied in an expert bow. 

Junpei, listening nearby, is doing a fantastic job and has completed ten bouquets to Aoi’s two. He looks smug. “You turned my wedding into a business meeting.” 

That’s true but unavoidable. Decorum demands that he invites all of their employees of a certain level of seniority as well as his clients, and at Junpei and Akane’s wedding he spent any time he wasn’t with Akane schmoozing with guests. His date, Carlos, took it well at the time. Aoi expects the same for his own wedding.

He can’t believe his dumb ass proposed. He’s crazy. He’s happy. He struggles with the stupid ribbons and lets Junpei rib him about it.

Later Carlos agrees with them: “It’s only a few hours.”

“You have no idea what they’re planning.”

“I often don’t.” He puts a hand on Aoi’s head. “But that isn’t a bad thing.”

Aoi tilts his head up to be kissed.

He does the same at the altar.

It’s worth it.

After the ceremony they make it to their room, melt across the bed, and find enough energy to order takeout. Aoi paid a ridiculous amount of money for catering he didn’t even stop to eat. He must admit, though, Akane did a good job with all of her little touches and last-minute obsessions. His dress shirt has makeup stains on it from when she cried on him off-and-on throughout the reception.

“We got our Thai food,” Carlos comments before slurping his noodles.

“On Styrofoam plates,” Aoi points out, “but good job.” He’s sitting cross-legged on the hotel bed in a long t-shirt and briefs. He was unbuttoning his suit on the ride up and barely stopped himself from losing the pants. 

They’re quiet and while the silence goes on, Aoi’s feeling that he should say something builds despite his lack of anything to say. He watches Carlos eat and wiggle his foot and raise his eyebrows when he notices Aoi staring. Carlos gives him a bite of his food and Aoi returns it while they watched the cheesy kinds of action movies on at 2:00am.

When they turn the lights off they lie there parallel before Aoi says, “Did you think it would end up like this, when you woke up in my kitchen?”

“No,” Carlos whispers.

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah.”

Aoi straddles his waist and curls his hands in Carlos’ shirt. “Are you gonna SHIFT again?”

“Not if I can help it.” He puts a hand on Aoi’s waist and Aoi remembers a long, long time ago in the bathroom, Carlos’ soap-slicked fingers in his hair. “Are you?”

“Not unless the fuckin’ world is ending.”

**

Their honeymoon in Japan gets rained out; they spend a lot of time in museums, shopping, and indoor theme parks. In an aquarium Aoi makes faces at an octopus in a tank and jumps when it squirts water at the glass. He has to drag Carlos away from a group of university students who want to take pictures with him.

Japan has changed a lot yet not at all since Aoi has been away. Their hotel is discreet and he likes when they can sneak selfies in public places. He’s woefully out of touch with street fashion, he finds, and it makes him feel older although he’s wise enough not to complain to Akane now. Carlos straightens Aoi’s collar once in a far corner of a convenience store and laughs under his breath when Aoi grumbles.

At dinner Aoi orders octopus salad as a starter, hoping its brother in the aquarium knows about it. He’s withdrawn without understanding why until he says, “If I was the one to disappear this time, what would you do?”

Carlos pauses, utensils halfway to his mouth, and then says, “I’d get to know you all over again,” so warmly Aoi wants to groan but his insides just melt. “Because I like you and I’d hope you still liked me. After all, you did it for me.”

“Damn right,” Aoi says and nods over his drink. “Don’t forget about me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're done! Thank you to D who was a huge sounding board and cheerleaders, and thank you to everyone who read, commented, kudos'd, and lurked! You were so wonderful to write for.
> 
> [I made a playlist for this fic, enjoy.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/53aoHvs4GNRc3G7aezaXgX)


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